Urahara's Delivery Service!
by KivaEmber
Summary: AU. IchiHichi. Welcome to Urahara’s delivery services! Composing of Ulquiorra, the ‘animated rock’, Shiro the ‘man who can sell a polar bear ice’, Ichigo, the ‘lil’ prostitute’, Grimmjow, the ‘scrooge’ and the self-proclaimed God himself, Urahara!
1. Ichi the Prostitute

**Title: **Urahara's Delivery Service!

**Pairing: **IchiHichi, _possible_ GrimmUlqui

**Rating: **T (may rise later on)

**Disclaimer: **Don't own unfortunately.

**Summary: **AU. IchiHichi. Welcome to Urahara's delivery services! Composing of Ulquiorra, the 'animated rock', Shiro the 'man who can sell a polar bear ice', Ichigo, the 'lil' prostitute', Grimmjow, the 'scrooge' and the self-proclaimed God himself, Urahara! 

**A/N: **Was originally, I'm the New Cancer, from Panic! At the Disco's There's a Good Reason. Love that song…I actually like all of Panic! At the Disco's song so that doesn't really count. Heheh…

Started out as one of my Panic! At the Disco's AU ONESHOTS, then a plot bunny kamikaze my brain and this was born instead. Though be warned, it has not planning to it so I'll be making it up as I go along like **Parenting for Dummies **or **Viceroy** (actually, that does have a plot but it's still pending).

Shinigami and Hollows do exist, along with other mythological creatures, so prepare for some crossovers with European or African, etc creatures as well. 

Enjoy! 

**6666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666**

"_I'm the new cancer, never looked better, you can't stand it, 'cause you so say under your breath, you're reading lips, when did he get all confident?"_

_--- Panic! At the Disco, There's a Good Reason_

**666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666**

**URAHARA'S DELIVERY SERVICE! 001: Ichigo the Prostitute**

It was strange how the disconcerting feeling of déjà vu unexpectedly leaps out at you. 

Shiro sighed heavily, wondering for the umpteenth time that night why he took this teen in (he was sure that the stranger was a teen, he certainly looked it). Pity, probably, mixed with bitter nostalgia of the two years he spent in dingy clubs and street corners trying to snatch up enough money just to buy a decent meal, all at the cost of his body. 

Back then; it didn't matter if the money was dirty or stained with blood. Money was money no matter how you got it, and that was the only thing that he strived for at the time.

He shook those memories away. Despite being 'dirty' in sense, he didn't regret those days. They were fun, but he couldn't have lived the rest of his life like that. He'd probably be dead by now, from starvation or OD, if Urahara didn't find him.

He also had a gut feeling about the redhead. 

The aforementioned redhead was looking around his living room nervously, slim fingers curled round the smooth porcelain of a steaming mug. Shiro scrutinised the sooty eyelashes, thick kohl outlining almond, ochre eyes and smooth, tanned skin. The teen had good looks; he admitted that, probably got good business too. But he could easily see the dislike of submission in the teen's posture, being a prostitute isn't a good career for him. 

Shiro sipped his hot beverage, eerie golden eyes slipping shut. He remembered when customers always murmured to him about his 'beautiful eyes'. To be honest, he hated them himself. "You're not cut out t' be a prostitute." He said at last, lowering his mug slightly.

"It's money." The teen countered, rubbing the smooth surface of his mug with clean fingers (their hands have to be clean, or look it at least). "So is this going to be a quickie or are you just paying me to admire me?"

Practised, Shiro mused. "T' make that sentence seem more natural, you hafta keep yer eyes half lidded, put a possible purr in there or somethin' flirty." He sipped his drink. "But pretty good fer a novice at least." 

"You've been in business too?"

"Two years." Shiro lowered his empty mug on the coffee table, leaning back in his couch with an instinctual seductive pose, something that he never quite stamped out. "But it's nothin' t' be proud of. I don' regret those days, really, but I'm glad I'm not in business anymore." 

The teen scoffed softly, dark ochre eyes staring blankly at the contents of his mug. "Two years, huh? Only four months for me." The redhead shook his head slowly, the vibrant orange strands looked silky and soft under the living room's light. They had to look their best. "I've hated every second of it."

"I could guess." The albino leant his head back, a flirtatious smirk playing on pale lips. "No offence, but ya don' have th'…_character_ befittin' a prostitute. Ya seem like a loyal kinda guy t' me. You desperate?"

The redhead nodded mutely. "Yeah…one of the guys _loves_ it; to be honest it's the perfect job for him but…" The teen sighed heavily. "I know this girl who's in business and she _really_ isn't cut out for it. Really sweet and kind but…"

"Not a whore?" Shiro shrugged. "It happens. Th' bad people get what they want an' th' good people are left scrabblin' around in a ditch fer food or money." The albino shook his head again. "Sad place."

The redhead shifted nervously. "…Are you actually paying me?" 

"'Course. I know how it is." Shiro flashed a lopsided grin at his guest. "But I'm jus' wonderin' if ya wanna continue your life as a whore. I've got a job fer ya that won' demand for ya t' drop yer pants fer money. Pays better too." He pushed himself up from his couch, whisking his mug from the coffee table and tutting at the ring left on the smooth mahogany surface. "Coasters. Gotta buy coasters."

"Why? I'm a stranger to you." The redhead pointed out, raising a hand to his eye as if to rub it, paused, then lowered it again. "Or is this some elaborate way to get a boy-toy for yourself?"

Shiro couldn't stop a bark of laughter. "W-What? Sorry, but no. If I wanna fuck I'll jus' come out an' say it." He walked from the living room into his kitchen, his voice carrying easily to the confused teen. "I admit yer hot, prob'ly have a lot of customers too." Shiro re-entered the room, one hand on his hip, tilting his head to the side. Another of his poses that he couldn't stamp out of his system. "Nah. I dunno why I'm helpin' ya. You remind me of myself so that's prob'ly why."

The redhead eyed him suspiciously, but he couldn't hide the faint glimmer of hope in those ochre orbs. "What job is it?"

"Th' job is workin' at a delivery service…it ain't jus' any delivery service 'course, but I'm sure I can get Urahara t' hire ya. He hired me after all." Shiro seemed to ponder this briefly before returning his attention to the curious redhead. "I've even got a spare room in 'ere. It's up t' you in th' end though. I can't force ya t' stay, you can continue yer life as a prostitute or you can do what I did an' accept some stranger's help." Actually, Urahara had damn well dragged him from the club, proclaiming that he was now his employee and wasn't allowed to sell himself anymore. Shiro had sulked for days but he eventually got over it.

"Delivery service?" The redhead fidgeted nervously, kohl-lined eyes narrowed in thought. "How much does it pay?" He asked shrewdly.

"Right down to th' important stuff, eh?" Shiro laughed. Man, this kid really reminded him of himself. "Depends on th' importance of th' delivery. Yer experiences of bein' a whore would come in handy. Ulquiorra is like an animated rock." The albino sauntered forwards, a pale hand ruffling silky orange strands. "You in, kid?"

"I'm not 'kid'." The teen snapped mulishly, jerking from the contact harshly. "And…I guess…it's better then hanging around those clubs and letting some bastard fondle me."

"That's th' spirit." Shiro stepped back from the redhead's personal space. "Well, I guess we might as well introduce ourselves. Th' name's Masshiro Shiro – don't laugh – jus' call me Shiro. None of this suffix crap." **(1)**

"My name's Kurosaki Ichigo." The ex-prostitute sighed softly, shoulders sagging as if a great weight had been lifted. "I'll seriously quit being a whore?"

"You'll prob'ly hafta use yer charm, but…yep." The albino stood back, scrutinising the redhead closely. "…Y'know…black an' white would look better then that."

"Shut up, I can barely afford enough to feed myself."

Shiro raised his hands up in surrender. "Oi, oi! You'll be able t' go on a shoppin' spree soon…roomie." The albino strutted from the living room with a maniacal cackle.

Ichigo didn't get the joke.

**X.x.X**

"Awww! He's such a cutie!"

Ichigo twitched violently, bronze eyes snapping to Shiro as if to say, '_This_ is our employer?'

"Yo. Crackhead, I don' think he appreciates bein' called 'cutie'." Shiro muttered from behind his magazine, '_Safe routes through Hell_'. "Damn path through seven is blocked by Berial. Fat ass…" The albino continued mumbling under his breath and missed the bemused expression on his new roommate's face.

"Well my lil' prostitute!" The blonde man cried exuberantly, a green striped fan being flapped around wildly. "I would introduce you to your other two co-workers but they're out on a delivery at the moment, and I'll introduce you to the helpers after your first job!"

"Helpers?" Ichigo was pinned to his new boss's side and he instinctively tensed up. The blonde man didn't notice or ignored it. 

"Tessai, Jinta and Ururu of course!" Ichigo threw a semi-panicked look over the exuberant male's arm back at the albino; unfortunately Shiro was too absorbed in his magazine to see their newest addition being carted off by a madman – who was coincidently their boss. "Oh! And we can't forget Yoruichi! They help out when there are too many deliveries! Finally, Masshiro-chan has a partner!"

Ichigo sighed as they entered a room. Seemed he was all alone in this one. Like that wasn't new. "Hey…what 'deliveries' do you do anyway? Shiro mentioned about me having to use my 'charm'…"

"You've heard of 'Shinigami' and 'Hollows' right? Of course you have, you've got high reiatsu!"

"Er…sorry to burst your bubble but…no."

The eternally unshaven man didn't seem surprised or put out. "That doesn't matter; Masshiro-chan will tell you aaaall about it!" Ichigo's boss released him and practically skipped up to the far wall, fan brandished fiercely. "Masshiro-chan probably doesn't know why he picked you up, but his instincts are strong, uncannily so." Urahara paused. "You know…you're exactly like Masshiro-chan when he first joined!"

Ichigo fidgeted, resisting the urge to rub at his eyes and smudge his make up. When he awoke that morning, he had mechanically applied his kohl and prettied himself up before realising he wasn't a prostitute anymore. He had stood for exactly ten minutes in front of the mirror as that thought finally sunk in. He had then laughed and twirled around _his_ room in delirious joy until Shiro had barged into his room and dragged him off to a café for food.

He felt like he was top of the world for a few blissful moments.

"I don't care." Ichigo grumbled. "'Slong as I don't need to sleep with some perverted old fart, I'll do whatever you want me to."

"Definitely like Masshio-chan." Urahara mumbled to himself. "Right then, your delivery is to Mayuri-san. He's my predecessor in the Scientific Research and Development of Seireitei. But he only plays God, unlike me!" The eternally unshaven man cackled. "Playing is for children!"

Ichigo allowed his new boss to have his Evil Dictator moment before coughing discreetly.

"Ah! Yes, ahem. Top secret delivery!" Urahara rummaged about in a box before procuring a small container. He pushed it into Ichigo's tanned palm and shooed the redhead away with his green striped fan. "Chop chop! Money isn't made by standing around! Maybe when you get back, Grimmjow-kun and Ulquiorra-kun will be back!"

Ichigo left the eternally unshaven blonde man to his (questionable) devices; utterly confused how his life had done a complete 180°, from a prostitute to some delivery boy. All because he met Shiro.

The aforementioned albino looked up from his magazine. "Who's it sendin' to?"

"Some Mayuri guy."

"Ah fuck." Shiro grimaced, taking the small package from his new co-workers hand and putting it in his coat pocket. "I hate that lunatic. C'mon. It's time t' show ya th' ropes, kid."

"I told you, it's not 'kid'." Ichigo snapped. "It's Ichigo."

"Whatever, kid. I'm, what? Ten years yer senior?"

Ichigo quirked an eyebrow as they exited the modest looking shop disguised as a sweet shop. "You're thirty years old?"

Shiro abruptly stopped, wide golden eyes locked onto the redhead. "Yer _twenty_? Jesus…you look fifteen!" 

"Tch. Why does everyone think I look fifteen?" Ichigo grumbled, narrowing kohl-lined eyes at his co-worker. "I don't seriously look that young…do I?"

"…" Shiro shook his head mutely before continuing on. "Whatever, doesn' really matter. I'm still older then ya by five years." He made a sharp turn down a narrow alleyway; his pale hand latching onto Ichigo's tanned one. "Stick close, kid."

Ichigo harrumphed, tensing at the contact slightly. "Why? In case I get mugged?" He didn't receive a reply; instead his co-worker tugged him closer, entwining their fingers together. "Shiro?"

"If ya wanna enter th' first ring, we need t' go through 'ere." Shiro stopped at an innocuous wall with a cracked mirror. Ichigo pondered over the reason for a mirror being there before discarding it. "T' enter th' first ring t' get to th' Shinigami's realm, ya need t' find this mirror or th' mirror along Raiu Avenue – it's by th' Ramen stand, you can't miss it – an', Urahara will give you one when you can carry out jobs on yer own, you need a Philosopher's Stone." 

Ichigo sent a flat stare at the albino beside him. "…A Philosopher's Stone."

Shiro nodded, the lopsided grin curled round his lips not helping him to convince the tanned male. "Yep. Look, I'll show ya." He fished about in his pockets, finally taking a gem sized, silver wrought beaker full of some mercurial substance. "_This_ is a Philosopher's Stone. Doesn' look like a stone, I know, but blame th' Alchemist who named it, not me."** (2)**

"…" Ichigo sighed. Either this or whoring. Either this or whoring. "How does it take us to this 'first ring' place?"

"Like this." 

Shiro moved his hand toward the mirror, the small beaker clinking against the grimy glass. Nothing happened for a few minutes and Ichigo was about to open his mouth to snap out a snide comment when the surface of the mirror rippled mystically. 

Ochre eyes widened when the albino's hand sunk into the grimy glass, an eerie glowing white light emitting from the mirror. He yelped when he was unceremoniously dragged forward, Shiro already having shoved his whole arm into the mirror. "C'mon, kid! Don' ya wanna get paid?"

Ichigo stared with awe filled eyes at the albino, and, if he had to be corny, he'd say that Shiro looked like some divine angel at that moment. "…S-sure." He took a deep breath, and copied his co-worker. The liquid glass was cool to the touch, it felt…light. "Do we just walk through?"

"Yep." Shiro's lopsided grin grew larger. "Y'know, this jus' clinches th' fact that you've got high reiatsu. Normal folk wouldn' have been able t' see th' mirror, let alone do this." 

Before Ichigo could ask what he meant by that, Shiro had already stepped through the mirror and – his hand still clasped tightly in Ichigo's – dragged the redhead after himself. Ichigo's gasp of surprise was cut off as he was fully submerged in the liquid glass.

The light dimmed from the mirror, the alleyway now deserted.

**66666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666**

**(1) **Masshiro means Snow White. XD Couldn't resist.

**(2) **No, not Fullmetal Alchemist's Philosopher's Stone or Harry Potter's. I'm basing this off Devil May Cry's version of the stone and its uses, which was to use it at the mirror in Mallet Island to go into Hell and kick Mundus, the Emperor of the Underworld's, ass.

**A/N: **Dun Dun Duuuuuun!

We'll see how Ichi's first job goes next chappie!

How'd ya like it? Want me to continue? This is a spur of the moment thing anyway…


	2. Delivery!

**Title: **Urahara's Delivery Service!

**Pairing: **IchiHichi, _possible_ GrimmUlqui

**Rating: **T (will definitely rise later on)

**Disclaimer: **I own Devil May Cry 4 at last! Bwahahahaaa!

**Summary: **AU. IchiHichi. Welcome to Urahara's delivery services! Composing of Ulquiorra, the 'animated rock', Shiro the 'man who can sell a polar bear ice', Ichigo, the 'lil' prostitute', Grimmjow, the 'scrooge' and the self-proclaimed God himself, Urahara! 

**A/N: **Wow. Many people liked it…Hah. For something I pulled outta my ass under an hour. 

**Reviews:**

**Riri Lee: **Yosh! I haven't done many fantasy ones myself…hmmm…heh, I'm glad you liked it!

**Xx Trinity xX: **Kisuke's always weird, and just to make sure in case you didn't get the review reply, it's Hichigo Shirosaki.

**jayanx:** When I have to stare longer then what should be healthy at my Law textbook, my brain think up different plotlines for stories. Heh, either that or doodling Judge Fudge in the corner of my notes. It's time for me to finally put my interest in mythology to good use!

**seasnake.756: **And I shall!

**Astrolita Karastase: **Thanks!

**I'm not here to write dammit: **It's a tough choice, ne? Whoring or jumping through a mirror with a deranged albino to god knows where. I'd personally choose the albino one if it was Hichi. Eheheheh…

**Dark-Angels-calling: **Thanks!

**my renji-kun: **I'll try and update as quickly as possible!

**PirateCaptainBo: **Haven't seen you two in a while, I'm glad you're enjoying it thus far!

**cat-san: **Senna!sue? Those the one with Senna in it from that movie…Something of Memories? 

**hollow kenpachi 13: **Thanks!

**Metamorcy: **I'll continue if you promise to write more IchiHichi :D Nah, I'm kidding, I'd update anyway.

**VietShinigami: **If there was a religion for Urahara, I'd convert right now.

**Riceball 101: **Heheh, imagine if Ichi called Hichi that in the actual Manga. "I am…SNOW WHITE!" You wouldn't really take an enemy seriously if they were called Snow White, would ya? Funny as Hell though.

**RuByMoOn17: **I shall! 

Well, I actually dove back into my Shin Megami Tensei Series and Devil May Cry games to bring out some ideas for wee beasties for this ficcie. Let me tell you, the designs for Digital Devil Saga's Ashuras are fucking ace:D But my love for DMC's Bosses and Damned Chessmen still remain up top. Next to Orthrus and The Harlot from Lucifer's Call of course. 

:D Those games are fun.

Anywho, blatant advertising out of the way… Ichi's first delivery with Shiro! How will it go? And when will Ulquiorra and Grimmjow appear?

Find out, on the second chappie of Urahara's Delivery Service!

**Word Count: **4'104

**666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666**

"_There was this hot Japanese Doctor there too…"_

"_Hot Japanese Doctor?"_

"_Yep."_

"…_Break my arm, Sophie!"_

_--- Fern & Me_

**666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666**

**URAHARA'S DELIVERY SERVICE 002: DELIVERY!**

Any preconceived assumption of how the Underworld looked like was promptly shattered into a million pieces as soon as Ichigo stepped out from the mirror.

With wide, kohl-lined eyes, Ichigo took in the large hall. It had an ancient Edo Japan feel to it, tatami mats slapped on the floor and great, ornamented sliding doors. What shocked Ichigo, however, were the black kimono wearing officials wandering up and down disorganised lines, katanas strapped comfortably to their white obi. The disorganised lines were ordered into three large groups.

Hell, Purgatory and Soul Society.

The 'Hell' group were filled with hardened criminals and the occasional dictator. Some looked as far back as ancient Egypt! Ichigo swore he saw Hitler sulking next to Stalin near the front of the line, but he mentally slapped himself. This whole situation was just weird.

The 'Purgatory' line seemed the most hectic, harried looking officials arguing with individuals, red slips of paper being brandished wildly by disagreeable humans. Ichigo guessed they were the ones being sent to the 'Hell' line and was soon proven correct when one of the officials – obviously reaching the end of his tether – dragged the raging man by the back of his collar and bodily threw him to the 'Hell' line.

The 'Soul Society' line was mostly filled with children; Ichigo didn't know whether or not to be disturbed by this fact.

He was jerked from his observation of the 'First Ring' by Shiro tugging him past the three groups and up to a rather disgruntled woman by some sort of ticket booth. She looked up with a scowl, waving her stamp threatening at the grinning albino. "Oi. Souls go over to the Purgatory group and get sorted into a line. This is for visitors only."

"Good thing we're visitors, then." Shiro snorted, reaching into his pocket and procuring a laminated card. "I'm th' Delivery boy, Masshiro Shiro from Urahara's Delivery Services." It sounded terribly rehearsed. "An' this is my partner, Kurosaki Ichigo. We've gotta delivery fer Mayuri-te- uh, Mayuri-san." 

The official scrutinised the laminated card closely before nodding grudgingly. "Sure, sure. Go on ahead…" She rummaged about in the piles of paper and finally held out some strange looking white bracelets. "Put these on for identification. Have a nice day." She concluded in a bored tone, returning to her frantic stamping.

Ichigo, completely bewildered by the sheer weirdness of his situation, obediently accepted his bracelet and slotted it on. Shiro did the same with a small snicker. "You too, hag."

The woman's head snapped up sharply but Shiro had already ducked through the small sliding door, dragging a protesting Ichigo after him. The woman scowled and returned to her task with renewed vigour, stamping the papers hard enough to make an imprint on the oaken desk.

"Did you really have to annoy her? She had a _sword_." Ichigo hissed as the albino pulled him jauntily through the wide hallways. "Where are we anyway?"

"I told ya, kid." Shiro turned to the left abruptly, the redhead growling when he was jerked after him. "We're in th' first ring, or th' entrance t' th' Underworld. Shinigami hang out around 'ere and this is where th' main entrance is to Seireitei. Usually I would make th' delivery up and personal but Mayuri-teme would scare th' shit outta ya, so we'll jus' give it t' Nemu-san."

Ichigo frowned. "I'm not some wimpy brat."

"Believe me," Shiro warned. "When I first saw Mayuri-teme he scared th' shit outta me…but that could've been because Grimmjow said that he was a cannibal b'fore we met him…"

Ichigo rolled his eyes as they entered another hall, this one more modest then the last. "Who is Grimmjow? I heard Urahara mention him and someone called 'Ulquiorra'."

"Eh. They're th' demons Crackhead hired fer his deliveries. Grimmjow's a loony an' is obsessed with catnip an' Ulquiorra…is an animated rock. That's all I can say." Shiro sauntered up to another ticket booth. "Us two are th' humans of th' now four delivery people. Grimmjow was th' one who showed me th' ropes." Though he spend more time trying to scare him shitless, i.e. shoving him into Orthrus's den and atop of the beast itself. That was an unpleasant experience. "I'll tell ya more 'bout it later."

Demons? Shinigami? Underworld? Shiro couldn't have slipped him some form of hallucinogenic could he? He had been randomly plucked up from one of his clubs that gave the most business by the deranged albino, given a job and suddenly, he's being told that demons and Shinigami and God know what else exist! This was like a bad parody of Harry Potter. 

"Yo! Delivery for Mayuri-san!" Shiro exclaimed at the dreamy looking girl sitting by a squat desk brimming with papers. She glanced up with eerily blank eyes and smiled politely at the albino. 

"Masshiro-san…how nice to meet you. Do you have a Delivery for Kurotsuchi-taichou?"

"That's what I said, Nemu-san." Shiro drawled, fishing the small package from his pocket and handing it over to the dreamy looking girl. "Oh, an' meet my new partner, Kurosaki Ichigo. Though jus' call 'im 'kid'." He grunted when 'kid' kicked him in the shins. "Uh, I mean, Ichigo. Jus' call 'im Ichigo."

"Nice to meet you, Kurosaki-san." Nemu nodded to the redhead absently. "I hope to see more of you again." She then returned to scribbling on the paperwork before her, an obvious sign of dismissal.

"Tch. As usual." Shiro muttered to himself. "See ya Nemu-san!" The albino then marched out of the hall, his hand still clasped in Ichigo's. "Man, that girl's a strange one."

"Now what?" Ichigo asked curiously. "I mean, we delivered haven't we? Do we go back or…?" 

"Not yet. We need t' get ya yer equipment."

Ichigo felt a sense of foreboding. "'Equipment'?"

"'Course." Shiro stopped in the middle of the hall, releasing his new co-worker's tanned hand. "Demons like Grimmjow an' Ulquiorra don' need equipment; they already came with 'em like those Barbie Dolls." He snickered at the thought. "Anyway, we 'weak' and 'powerless' humans need a medium t' channel our reiatsu." The albino pinned Ichigo with a penetrating stare, circling him predatorily. "Hmmm…prob'ly a _light_ weapon…"

Ichigo sighed. "You sure this is better then being a prostitute?" 

"Yep. Don' worry, kid, I'll teach ya not t' cut yerself on yer weapon." Shiro latched onto the redhead's hand once more, continuing down the hallway. "Now then, we'll need t' make a stop round th' second ring. Place is crawlin' with inept demons but I'm strong enough t' make sure they don' try anythin'." 

"Great. _Now_ I feel safe."

Shiro frowned. "Don' get snarky with me, kid. Jus' 'cause you're sufferin' from sexual frustration doesn' mean that ya hafta be grumpy."

Ichigo choked, ochre eyes blazing with rage. "W-what?"

Shiro released his new co-worker's hand, sprinting down the hallway with a maniacal laughter. "Nyaaaah! It's truuuuuuuuuuuuue!"

"GET BACK HERE YOU ALBINO FREAK!"

**X.x.X**

Ichigo grumbled, arms crossed mulishly across his chest as he scowled at the flaming scenery zooming by. Next to him (and sporting a nasty looking bruise on his cheek), Shiro sniffled exaggeratingly, looking at his partner with wounded eyes. "You didn' hafta hit me!"

Ichigo sighed. "That won't work on me, Shiro." Kohl-lined eyes flickered to his albino companion. "So, how much longer until this train reaches the second ring or whatever?"

Shiro stopped his act, reclining in his plushy seat with a flirtatious smirk playing on his pale lips. "Well, in 'bout ten minutes I suppose. Why? Don'tcha wanna be on this _romantic_ trainride with yer dear, old partner?"

"I was a _prostitute_, Shiro." Ichigo pointed out flatly. "We don't believe in _romance_. Only nice scenery where we can do our job."

"What a jaded, cynical twenty year old male you are." Shiro snickered, lounging comfortably in his seat. "But, yer right I guess. So that means I can't see how your technique is, then?"

Ichigo elbowed the albino harshly in the gut. Shiro took the hint.

"Well, that aside…" Shiro rubbed his abdomen gingerly. Kid sure did have sharp elbows. "I guess I should explain a bit more t' ya, eh?"

"That would be better then your lewd comments."

"'Kay, 'kay…but I really _did_ wanna see yer technique." He raised his hands in a pacifying manner as Ichigo's kohl-lined eyes narrowed. "Kiddin'! Kiddin'! Ahem…anyway…where should I start?"

Ichigo frowned in thought for a moment. "What is this?"

Shiro quirked an eyebrow. "This is a train."

The albino received another elbow to the gut. He groaned in pain. 

Ichigo's eyes narrowed into slits, bronze eyes glinting menacingly. "I'm confused, hungry and suspecting that I've been drugged. I'm pretty annoyed at the moment, Shiro."

"Geeze, alright already." The albino tapped his chin with a black nailed finger. "Well…I guess t' put it bluntly…Demons an' th' Underworld an' shit like that exist. Are real." He ignored Ichigo's 'no shit, Sherlock' expression and continued. "But only a few humans can really interact with th' ten realms, or rings. Whatever floats yer boat." 

Shiro ran a pale hand through his hair, trying to remember what Urahara had told him when the eternally unshaven man had 'employed' (kidnapped) him. He wasn't paying much attention then, thinking that the blonde man was doing drugs or escaped from a mental asylum (actually, he _still_ thought that). "Urahara's an ex-Shinigami, somethin' 'bout self-exile or some crap like that. An' bein' the…_genius_ that he is, decided t' run a delivery service t' pass th' time. So he went out lookin' fer potential employees. He found Grimmjow and Ulquiorra first, somethin' 'bout a bet with Garuda not bein' paid or whatever. Then he found me doin' my business in one of th' clubs. Apparently, I had 'high' levels of reiatsu fer a human so he decided t' employ me. Humans with high reiatsu ain't unheard of but pretty rare…"

Ichigo returned his gaze outside of the window, frowning at the thick spires twisting upwards into the stormy sky. "So…you picked me up because I had high reiatsu?"

"An' you reminded me of myself from seven years ago." Shiro yawned. "Believe me, this business is a lot of fun, if a lil' hectic. You'll fit right in."

Ichigo didn't know if that was a _good_ thing. The train began to slow down. "This our stop?"

"Yep!" Shiro pushed himself from his seat and held out a hand for his partner. "Stay close t' me. Yeh easy prey fer any inept demons or lesser Hollows without a weapon." 

Ichigo took the offered hand with a sigh. "I still think I'm on drugs." He informed his albino companion as Shiro dragged him down the deserted train. The train stopped with an ominous screech and the dim lights above flickered off. "Now why does this remind me of Resident Evil or Devil May Cry?"

"'Cause th' maker of those games went on this train an' miraculously lived." Shiro snorted, kicking open the train door and cautiously jumping off. Ichigo stumbled a little but quickly regained his feet as he scanned their empty surroundings. "I don't see anything…"

"Hmmm…" Shiro tapped the ground with his foot. He stayed still for exactly two minutes before he relaxed. "It's clear." 

"You sure?"

"Awww…" Shiro looked over his shoulder to flash a teasing grin at the nervous looking redhead. "Is wittle Ichi-chan, scared?"

"Shut it, albino freak." Ichigo snapped defensively. "It's not my fault that you've been telling me to grow eyes on the back of my head lest I get eaten by some monster."

"Hey!" Shiro twirled round, tugging the redhead close to him. "At least I haven' left ya all alone 'ere like Grimmjow did t' me!"

Ichigo growled when he stumbled against the albino's chest, recoiling from the contact almost instantly. He squeezed his albino partner's hand in anger. "Oh let's just go and get whatever it was you wanted to get! This place is creeping me out!"

Shiro's golden eyes twinkled knowingly but the albino kept his mouth shut, pivoting on his heel and continuing onwards to his destination instead.

Ichigo unconsciously moved closer to the albino, ignoring the fact that he was pressing heavily against his albino partner's arm that was attached to the hand holding his reassuringly. "Where is this place we're going to anyway?"

"Not far." Shiro answered. "Jus' round this corner." 

Ichigo nodded, twitching when something creaked behind them. He vaguely noted that Shiro tensed subtly as they rounded the corner.

Ichigo choked. "Oh holy God."

Shiro blinked at the horde of countless inept demons before them. "Huh. Well that totally sucks."

**X.x.X**

Grimmjow kicked the door to HQ with a boisterous call. "We're back, ya crazy coot!" He ignored the faint _faint_ glimmer of annoyance in his stoic partner's verdant eyes and blinked at the shit-eating grin plastered across his boss's face. "Th' Hell got _you_ in such a good mood?"

"We've got a new member!" Urahara squealed happily. Grimmjow raised an eyebrow and took a notable step backwards – just in case the blonde man tried to hug him. "And he's such a cutie too! Masshiro-chan picked a really good one!"

"Whoa! Snow White picked him up?" The teal haired demon ruffled his short hair dubiously. "But he's _never_ picked anyone up. He's picky like that."

Ulquiorra cut in before their employer could answer. "Is he adequate?"

Urahara flapped his fan in barely contained excitement. "Oh yes! His reiatsu is _higher_ then Masshiro-chan's! A little untamed but he's young. He looks fifteen…so there's time to teach him how to use it!"

"So we've got ourselves a badass kid, then!" Grimmjow punched his hand eagerly. "Man, I can't wait to fight him!"

"He is a novice at the moment, Grimmjow." Ulquiorra's cold voice intoned behind the teal haired demon. "Allow Masshiro-san to train him first before trying to put our newest member into the hospital."

"Tch. You're no fun, you emotionless bastard." Grimmjow complained. He stomped past the grinning blonde man towards the back. "Ah well, what's this kid's name?"

"Kurosaki Ichigo!"

Grimmjow paused. "Strawberry? Heh. He's prob'ly just as fruity as Snow White then."

"Making assumptions from one's name is foolish." Ulquiorra said tonelessly. "As long as he is useful, there is no need to care about his preferences."

"Whatever. S'long as that fruity queen doesn' get him killed."

**X.x.X**

"Shiro." Ichigo stated in a _very_ calm and collected voice. "I am going to kill you with my bare hands if we live after this."

"Duly noted." Shiro drawled.

The two parties hadn't moved; the Inept Demons rooted to the spot as their hellish saffron eyes locked onto the two humans. They were an eclectic group, some resembling overstuffed puppets with rusted blades impaled into the coarse fabric just keeping the sickly green…liquid stuff in itself. Ichigo presumed it was acid by the way the gravel melted into slag by wayward droplets.

Others looked like deranged, hairless orang-utan babies, to put it simply. Rotting purple flesh, hollow white eyes and a gaping maw on a two foot humanoid thing was going to give Ichigo nightmares for days. 

Screw it. He was going to _castrate_ Shiro before killing him. 

In the middle of the nightmarish group of demons, a hulking, bipedal lizard hissed lowly, thick scales cracking as moss and dirt fell off in clumps off its scratched hide. 

"Hmmm…" The albino tilted his head to the side, golden eyes narrowed. "What's a Lesser Demon doin' 'ere?"

"I don't care what it is!" Ichigo hissed, his grip on his partners arm tightening enough for Shiro to wince in pain. "Make it go away with its minions!"

"Sure, jus' hold on fer a sec while I go get out my giant flyswatter from my pocket."

Ichigo growled. "This is no time to be making jokes!"

The Inept Demons and Lesser Demon obviously got tired of waiting. The Lesser Demon shrieked shrilly, swiping a three clawed hand at the two humans. The horde of acid filled puppets and hairless orang-utan babies seethed, ear-splitting screeches deafening the two humans as the group charged forward.

"Oh shiiiiiiIIIIIIITT!"

Shiro laughed at his co-worker's panic, holding his arm that wasn't currently getting its circulation cut off via Ichigo's vicelike grip before him. "Here's yer first lesson on channelling reiatsu, kid." The albino said jauntily, red tinged, black lightning crackling at his fingertips. "_**Getsuuga Tenshou**_." He moved his arm sharply in a cutting motion.

Ichigo's eyes widened at the devastation those two words caused. A narrow blast of raw energy tore the gravel path before them, churning the earth with its sheer strength and slamming into the charging demons. The Inept Demons were only able to give a short shriek of agony before they were vaporised, a faint green mist all that remained of them.

The Lesser Demon grunted as the backlash slammed into its thick hide, causing it to stumble back a step. It hissed again, slitted gold eyes scanning its decimated mini-army. It pawed the heated ground once before disappearing in an explosion of dirt and gravel, a cavernous hole left where it previously stood.

Ichigo made an odd sound in the back of his throat, momentarily forgetting how to breathe. "T-That was…"

"Amazin'? Impressive? Fantastic? Sexy?" Shiro sniggered at the twenty year old's awe filled face. "Heh. That was child's play, kid. You'll be able t' do th' same in a month or so." 

Kohl-lined eyes slowly blinked and Ichigo released his partner's arm from his deathgrip. "In a month…?" He shook his head to clear it of the daze that fogged his thoughts. The thought of able to do such a thing was such an attractive idea. "Wow."

Shiro giggled, lopsided grin curled round his lips. "Th' first order of business…t' get yer weapon." He gently grasped the stunned redhead's hand and began leading them through the ruined path and towards some type of town hall. "I think I've got th' perfect one for ya."

Ichigo's ochre lit up, barely contained excitement lilting his voice slightly. "Will it help me do that Getsuuga Tenshou thing?"

Shiro smothered a grin, kicking open the warped, wooden door of the dilapidated building. "Sure it will, kid. Prob'ly some other cool shit like that too. Each weapon gives different skills to their users after all." His golden eyes scanned the inside of the building, finally settling on a pitch black katana embedded in the altar near the cracked, stain glass windows. "There it is."

Ichigo's eyes swept over the pitch black blade, the sable metal slim and slender, silver chain coiled snugly round the onyx, crimson patterned hilt. His breath involuntarily hitched, a strange urge to grasp the slender hilt and pull it from its crumbling prison overwhelming his thoughts. His trembling hand reached forward hesitantly. 

Shiro watched his companion's reaction carefully, golden eyes taking in the slight glaze in normally alert ochre eyes and the sight shallowness his breathing. He kept a firm grip on the redhead's free hand as Ichigo's slim fingers brushed against the hilt.

The chain dutifully unwrapped itself and Shiro grinned in triumph as Ichigo's hand enclosed round the slender, onyx hilt. It seemed that he was _right_. Tensa Zangetsu _was_ the blade for the redhead.

Ichigo pulled it with disturbing ease from the altar, the sable katana held out awkwardly before him. The ex-prostitute shuddered as a sudden wash of…_something_ lit his whole being, the feeling of holding this beautiful blade giving him a sense of _rightness_. It belonged to him. It was _made_ for him.

"That…" Shiro whispered softly, as if speaking too loud would make the blade and its new wielder vanish. "Is Tensa Zangetsu. I had a hunch that it would work on ya, an' my hunches have never let me down b'fore."

"Tensa Zangetsu…" The name rolled off his tongue easily. Ichigo allowed a small smile to grace his lips. "It feels like it belongs to me…" He lowered his arm, the tip of the sable blade digging into the inch thick dust. "But…I don't know how to wield a katana."

"It's a Zanpaktou, actually." Shiro corrected. "A normal sword wouldn' work on Demons, even th' weak ones. It's th' best an' only battle companion you'll ever have."

"Do you have one?" Ichigo whispered, ochre eyes still examining his new sword. 

"'Course. Never use it unless I have to, though." Shiro frowned briefly but then shook his head. "I'll show it t' ya one day. Right now, we better go back b'fore Crackhead decides t' take all of th' money himself. Put it away."

Ichigo gave the albino an odd look. "How? I don't have anywhere to put it."

"Tch." Shiro shook his head. "Jus' think it away. It'll come when yer in trouble."

Ichigo looked dubious but furrowed his brows in concentration anyway. He yelped when the blade blinked out of existence, kohl-lined eyes staring at the now vacant space. "This just keeps getting weirder and weirder…"

Well, kid!" Shiro laughed, snagging his partners hand and dragging the mildly dazed twenty year old after himself. "Jus' wait 'til you meet everyone else in this business!"

Ichigo's small smile threatened to turn into a giddy grin. 

His life may have done a complete 180° and he's now in danger of being eaten by a hungry demon…but this was the happiest he had ever been in all of his twenty years.

**666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666**

**A/N: **Heheheh! How was that?

Man, I just wanted to get Ichigo completing his first delivery and getting his weapon out of the way before moving on with the still in process plot. 

I've already got a clear way of how they're gonna get together romantically, eheheh…

Oh, and who agrees that imagining a prostitute!Ichigo pleasuring Hichigo is a hot mental image? I do! Hahahaaa!

Ahem, anyway, thanks for reading! Hope y'all enjoyed! It's time for me to finish up Immaculate's second chappie.

P.S: Please ignore any typos you found too, spell checker wasn't working Goddammit.


	3. Grocery Shopping

Title: Urahara's Delivery Service

**Title: **Urahara's Delivery Service!

**Pairing: **IchiHichi, _possible_ GrimmUlqui

**Rating: **T (will definitely rise later on)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own BLEACH™, unfortunately, but I do own the theory I have in this and the plot!

**Summary: **AU. IchiHichi. Welcome to Urahara's delivery services! Composing of Ulquiorra, the 'animated rock', Shiro the 'man who can sell a polar bear ice', Ichigo, the 'lil' prostitute', Grimmjow, the 'scrooge' and the self-proclaimed God himself, Urahara!

**Chapter Summary: **Grimmjow and Ulquiorra go on a delivery for Aizen. Well, Ulquiorra is, Grimmjow's just doing his groceries. Poor guy.

**Word Count: **4'843

**Reviews:**

**SendMoreParamedics: **Yosh!

**Twiliblossom: **Thanks! I love working out new and original plot ideas and I'm glad that my efforts weren't in vain! Hope you enjoy this chapter!

**Drop of the Sweetest Poison: **Urahara is awesome! . I bought his hat too, and cane! All I need now is his clothes and I can cosplay as him, dattebayo!

**Pickle Reviver: **Romance shall be coming soon! And prostitute!Ichi is just a hot mental image (drools).

**fendstrat.chick: **Thanks!

**Hoshi2110: **Sure! You can call me Kiva-chan! Shiro and Ichi were _made_ for each other! Why else would Shiro be possessive of Ichi in the anime?

**Astrolita Karastase: **I also think that Grimmjow and Shiro would have some sort of weird relationship where they despise each other, but can work together really well. Heheh. Some Shiro and Grimmy insteraction in this chapter, which I hope will explain it a little better to my readers.

**Massishiro Ishikawa: **Oh yeah…heh, didn't realise that I did. I was just flicking through all of the funny names I could give Shiro and that popped up. And I had just done my history homework about the Communist movement in Europe before writing the second chapter so I thought, 'why not put Hitler and Stalin in there?' Heh. I agree that Riri-sama (now known as Mochi-chan) is the number one IchiHichi author. She writes the best oneshots. (Is jealous)

**Nakimochiku: **You changed your name again! Took me forever to realise too. XP Yeah, I always think that Grimmy and Shiro will hate each other since they're so similar. It's fun to write their interactions with each other.

**I'm not here to write dammit: **Gotta love King Arthur! Can't wait to get to the lemony goodness! But unfortunately, it's like…ten or twelve chapters away…

**Invader-Nehima: **Resident Evil gave me nightmares for weeks. I kept thinking a zombie was gonna fall out of my closet and eat me. ¬.¬ Not that I…think that anymore of course (loosens tie). I love those games! Devil may Cry is an awesome series (except 2, DMC2 was just…no), and the Shin Megami Tensei series was awesome because it also had Dante in it. Heheh…...thanks for reviewing!

**Meng-4-2: **Wow, thanks! If I can make an anti-yaoi person like this story (confidence boost) YES!! The actual yaoi won't be happening for a while so I hope you enjoy it up until then (unless you're gonna read the yaoi parts too so I hope you'll enjoy those too)!

**jayanx: **Loved the Barbie line too. Kept imagining Ulquiorra and Grimmjow in a box with their Zanpaktou and accessories next to them. Lol. I'm glad you're enjoying it!

**Riceball101: **I write to impress! Glad you like it!

**VietShinigami: **Well Grimmy and Ichi meet this chapter in…a grocery store! Hope you enjoy it!

**hollow kenpachi 13: **Glad you enjoy it!

**Metamorcy: **Nope. Shiro's sword is a secret at the moment, ufufuffu. You'll see why later on. Long live IchiHichi!

**A/N: **OMG I have recently acquired the game Folklore for the PS3 and it totally **rocks**! The monsters on it are very well designed and I'm gonna borrow a few, like the Treants. They looked awesome! Plus the music is just…wow.

Ahem, that aside, I've finally thought up of a plot. Huzzah!

Oh, and updates will be slow(er) because I'm technically not allowed on the computer and am currently updating this while my parents are out shopping for food. Heh. This would've been updated _much_ quicker, believe me.

Well, these chapters are gonna be long since I have so much ideas to stick in them, basically one chapter is a delivery. Get ready to read some pretty long chapters in the future folks! I mean, this is an explanation _and_ another delivery! Pretty long.

The explanation from Shiro himself about the Underworld and the Netherworld, plus some other things aside, has arrived. Hooray! You can skip it if you want but you'll get pretty confused about the order of things later on if you do. (Shrugs) Sorry if it bores you a little.

But at least you'll see Grimmjow's and Ulquiorra's delivery!

Seventeen reviews this time! Yosh! Enjoy!

**666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666**

"_I swear to __**God**__, Kyle! If I didn't have some guy's hand up my ass I'd go over there and kick the shit out of you!"_

_-- Eric, South Park_

_This sounded like something Shiro would say for some…odd reason ¬.¬_

**6666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666**

**URAHARA'S DELIVERY SERVICE 003: SHOP 'TIL YOU DROP!**

Grimmjow scowled.

Ulquiorra blinked.

Urahara grinned.

Grimmjow scowl deepened.

"The fuck is this shit!?" The teal haired demon finally roared out, waving the innocuous slip of paper around violently. "Faerie wings…frog legs…_eye of fuckin' newt_…_**pixie sticks**_!? Have you lost your mind!?"

"Someone made the call asking for those items, Grimmjow-kun." Urahara stated calmly, though his grin widened to epic proportions in amusement. "And who am I to question what people want?"

Ulquiorra snagged the slip of paper neatly from his flailing companion's hand. "Three faerie wings…two pairs of frog legs…six eyes of newt…two bat wings…a loaf of rye bread…semi-skimmed milk…pixie sticks…and 'I can't believe it's not butter' butter." He listed monotonously.

"That sounds like some fuckin' messed up grocery list! Who's it for? The crazy old lady that comes in here asking for Johnny from Vietnam every Saturday?" Grimmjow growled, cerulean eyes narrowing dangerously.

Urahara 'tsk'ed, jabbing his cane through the hole in the teal haired demon's stomach. Grimmjow squirmed uncomfortably at the sensation. "No. It's for Aizen-"

Grimmjow made a suspicious wheezing noise.

"-san." Urahara continued blithely, green striped fan hiding his shit-eating grin from view. "I'm not sure what he's working on, but I guess it's his little Hygyoku project. Still sore about me being the first to complete it." The blonde ex-Shinigami laughed joyously before regaining himself. "Ahem, yes well…he's paying a lot of money so I say bygones be bygones. Now hop to it!"

Grimmjow muttered contemptuously, glowering angrily at the grinning male. "Better be a lot of money you crazy loon."

"About a tenth of your debt." Urahara snickered.

Ulquiorra nodded then turned to leave. "I shall take the animal body parts. Grimmjow, you take the groceries." With that, the green eyed demon ripped the list neatly in two, handing the grocery part to the gaping demon.

"W-what!? Haven't we got Yoruichi or Tessai to do this!?" Grimmjow roared as Ulquiorra turned away.

"Tessai is cleaning the underground battle arena for Ichi-chan's training tomorrow." Urahara informed the teal haired demon gleefully. "And Yoruichi is collecting some Nundu breath for a client in Africa!"

Grimmjow growled. "I refuse to buy _groceries_. I don't have any human money!"

Ulquiorra sighed, a faint hint of annoyance tainting his voice. "Here. No more complaints." He shoved a wad of cash into the teal haired demons hands before promptly vanishing with a burst of static.

"Asshole." Grimmjow grumbled petulantly. He looked down at himself, the gaping hole in his stomach visible for the whole world to see. "Man, I've gotta wear something that'll cover this up. And," He placed a hand on the white, broken part of a mask on the right side of his face. "Hide this." He shot a warning glance at his employer when the blonde man opened his mouth to speak. "Don't."

Urahara smiled innocently. "Wasn't going to say a word."

**X.x.X**

"Well, I think yeh did pretty well fer yer first delivery!"

"I didn't _do_ anything." Ichigo pointed out, looking round the empty entrance of their boss's shop. "Where is Urahara anyway?"

"Prob'ly workin' out th' delivery fee." Shiro yawned. Getting out of the Underworld had been slightly harder then getting in, due to the fact that they had to sneak past the Shinigami woman who attempted to stamp 'Rejected' onto the albino's forehead in bright red ink. "Well, c'mon. Bet yer hungry." He wandered down the aisle, plucking a few bags of sweets from the shelves. "I need t' teach ya some things 'bout th' Underworld an' Netherworld anyway."

Ichigo frowned, following after the older male. "Aren't those two the same things?"

"Eh. It's kinda hard t' explain…" Shiro shouldered the door near the back open, revealing a small break room with a threadbare couch and a counter with an ancient looking kettle and grimy microwave. "Welcome t' th' coffee room! 'Cept there ain't any coffee, yeh need t' bring yer own."

Ichigo sighed. "Better then the one in the club down by the main street." He sat down on the threadbare couch, raising an eyebrow as Shiro shoved a crinkly bag of toffees in his hands. "Huh?"

"Snack. I'll get some proper food later. You like ramen?"

Ichigo blinked before waving a hand. "Oh, don't worry; I'll buy my own food."

Shiro quirked a brow, sitting beside his new co-worker. "You sure? 'Cause we _are_ roomies so th' food's gonna end up in th' fridge either way, 'sides…" He tore open a bag of rainbow drops. "I wanna buy ya somethin' t' eat. My treat, kid."

Ichigo blushed a little, nudging the albino with his elbow. "Don't call me kid." He grumbled, though he didn't sound very annoyed. "And sure, ramen's fine."

"Good." Shiro lounged back on the threadbare couch. "So, th' History of th' Underworld an' Netherworld 101." He gave a sly smirk at the redhead beside him. "What I'm gonna tell ya is from what I know from experience, I didn' listen t' th' Crackhead or Grimmjow so I learned everythin' th' hard way."

Ichigo snorted. "I bet."

"Tch. Ya learn more from th' hard way…" Shiro shook his head, dipping his hand into the packet of rainbow drops. "Anyway, th' Underworld first 'cause we've jus' been there…" Shiro paused as he munched on a few rainbow drops. "Now, th' first ring," He continued. "Think of it like a reception or an airport. People who die get sent t' th' first ring an' get sorted to where they should go accordin' t' what they've done in their lives. Karma gets checked out an' shit in th' Purgatory line an' then yeh get sent t' either Hell or Soul Society, which is like Heaven or Nirvana an' in this case, th' Netherworld."

Ichigo frowned in thought. "So…what was the second ring?"

Shiro frowned. "Well, th' other rings from second t' eighth are where th' sinners go fer their respective sins…I dunno which ring is which sin so don' bother askin'. All ya gotta know is that th' deeper ya go to th' Underworld, th' more powerful th' demons an' Hollows are."

Ichigo sighed. "So the first ring is the reception desk for souls where they get assigned to Hell or Heaven and if they're sent to Heaven, they go to the _Netherworld_…and the second to eighth rings of the _Underworld_ are places where sinners go?"

"Got it in one." Shiro scowled at his empty bag of rainbow drops and scrunched it up. "Now then, th' souls in Hell, or the Underworld, turn into demons or Hollows, though Hollows are a lil' different then demons. Demons an' Hollows gain power by eatin' other souls, so if ya meet a powerful demon/Hollow, means that it's prob'ly gorged itself like…hmm…" Shiro paused for a second. "Like a Menos Grande. That's a powerful Hollow made up of countless Hollows compressed together or somethin'. Avoid 'em at all cost, kid. Don' bother tryin' t' fight 'em."

"Why would I even go looking for them?" Ichigo asked. "I barely know how to use this 'reiatsu' stuff or Tensa Zangetsu."

"Sometimes people ask fer ingredients that can only be obtained from a specific demon or Hollow an' we're sent off t' get 'em." Shiro tossed the scrunched up bag at the waste bin near the corner. He missed. "Tch. I don' think we're gonna be given any missions like that though fer a while, though. Until you can survive on a basic delivery mission t' th' second ring by yerself, it's gonna be easy deliveries."

Ichigo sighed and rummaged about in the bag of toffees. "From prostitute to delivery boy to a ghost buster parody. Can my life get anymore weirder?"

"Jus' wait 'til ya go to th' Netherworld. Place is freaky as Hell." Shiro snagged a toffee from the redhead's hand before Ichigo could pop it in his mouth. "Thank you."

Ichigo scowled irritably and fished out another toffee. "Who are the Shinigami? You said that Urahara-" He paused briefly. "-san was an 'ex-Shinigami'?"

"Exactly as th' name says. They're Death Gods. Manage th' incomin' slew of souls an' send 'em t' where they're supposed t' go. They kill off Hollows mostly an' leave demons alone." Shiro shrugged carelessly. "Somethin' 'bout an ancient grudge ten thousand years ago. 'Course, it could also be th' fact that Hollows can enter th' human realm while demons can't."

"And Urahara-san quit?" Ichigo shook his head. "Whatever. Anything else that I should know? Like…my…what was it called? Zanpaktou?"

"Zanpaktou? I thought I told ya. Yer Zanpaktou, in your case, Tensa Zangetsu, is th' best battle companion you'll ever have. It'll protect ya to its best abilities from demons an' Hollows. I'll teach ya how t' use it tomorrow."

"…" Ichigo tilted his head back to stare at the white washed ceiling. "…Y'know? I think I'm a little glad that I'm being a…delivery boy/exorcist/whatever thing. It's probably because your craziness is infectious but this is actually…_exciting_ in a weird way."

"Yep. It's pretty excitin'. Could do without Grimmjow, though."

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "I have a feeling that I'm gonna be hearing you gripe about him a lot." He rolled up the opening of his bag of toffees and stuffed it into his jacket's pocket. "Well…what's the Netherworld like?"

"Netherworld is…a lil' complicated. Some parts of it overlap with th' Underworld so yeh can accidentally wander in there, meanin' there are some parts that are dangerous t' be in, especially parts that overlap with th' seventh or eighth ring. It's real name is th' Soul Society, and it's split up into eighty districts, called th' Rukongai, where th' passed on live, and th' centre as th' home of th' Shinigami, Seireitei. Big place, too white though."

"You've been there?"

"Once. With th' Crackhead. Grimmjow an' Ulquiorra ain't allowed t' go there, see? Bein' demons an' all. Jus' 'cause Shinigami don' hunt demons doesn' mean that they won' attack 'em. Grimmjow an' Ulquiorra never go past th' third district." Shiro glanced at the battered clock hanging above the kettle. "Time t' see if th' Crackhead has our pay."

As Shiro pushed himself into standing position, Ichigo frowned as a thought came to him. "Hang on. I thought the Underworld had nine rings? You know, the ninth circle of Hell or something?"

The albino shook his head. "No one ever goes there. _Ever_. Not even Ulquiorra or Grimmjow or even th' Crackhead. An' he's crazy enough t' do it." Shiro grinned. "Well, that aside. C'mon then, kid."

Ichigo scowled and aimed a kick at the albino's shin before he stood. His scowl deepened when Shiro nimbly evaded the attack. "Don't call me kid, jackass."

"Sure thing, _**kid**_."

Shiro couldn't quite dodge the punch that slammed into his cheek.

**X.x.X**

If there was something Grimmjow hated about grocery shopping, it was the cheerful background music that was constantly on loop.

He scowled irritably at the shelf of dairy products. There was a whole row dedicated to semi-skimmed milk and, despite different labels that proclaimed their produce was the better then the one next to it, they all looked exactly the same. He roughly grabbed the cheapest one and dumped it in his shopping basket.

_I look like a retard_. He thought morosely, tugging at the end of his white shirt claiming that, 'I come with my own theme music'. Him, Grimmjow Jaggerjaques, shopping in a mortal's grocery store. He sighed when the cheerful song in the background trailed off.

He was going to go on a murderous rampage if they played that song _one more time_!

He suppressed the urge to scream when the cheerful song bubbled back to life, louder then before.

**X.x.X**

Ulquiorra was having a much better time.

He decided to tackle the Faerie wings first, being in the Underworld's third ring, and was deriving some pleasure at shooting down the minute creatures with well aimed _Cero_ blasts. Call him sadistic, but it gave him some satisfaction in incinerating the annoying creatures as they attempted to rupture his eardrums with their incessant, high pitched screeching.

After shooting down another one, he decided that it was time to actually harvest some wings. Jumping down from the Treant branch that he was perched upon, the green eyed demon landed neatly on the muddy forest floor and nudged a few singed corpses with his foot.

If he was Grimmjow, he would have probably stamped on a few before taking the wings. But he wasn't Grimmjow so he simply knelt down and _carefully_ tore the sinewy, glittering wings off, unable to stop a mild cringe at the nasal scream the Faerie released.

Maybe Grimmjow stamped on them for a reason.

**X.x.X**

"You've got good aim, k-" Shiro coughed as Ichigo's eyes flashed ominously. "Uh, Ichi." He rubbed his bruised cheek gingerly as the pair wandered away from Urahara's shop, the eternally unshaven male's laughter faintly heard behind them. "Got me in th' exact place as last time."

"To make sure the message hits home." Ichigo growled, kohl-lined eyes narrowing. "I'm not a kid. I'm twenty."

"An' I'm twenty five, so, technically, yeh are a kid compared t' my age."

"Ugh." Ichigo ran a tanned hand through vibrant orange hair. "Whatever. Don't call me kid anyway." Ochre eyes slid from his albino companion to the street before them, awash with a faint orange glow from the street lights above. "Time sure did fly by."

"Time moves slower in th' Underworld." Shiro shrugged. "'Course, means that we aged slower too in there, dunno why. One of th' many mysterious of th' universe."

Ichigo sighed. Again. "Great. So what, by the time I hit my thirties, it'll be the third millennia or something?"

"Prob'ly. Depends how long we stay there each time. I mean, do I _look_ twenty five t' ya?"

Ichigo squinted a little, ochre eyes roving up and down Shiro's lithe body. "…Nineteen maybe?"

"See. An' ya look fifteen, but that's prob'ly coz yer so short an' cute." **(1)**

Ichigo growled but didn't retort to the jab. "Whatever. Are we getting food now? Because I'm hungry."

"Yeah, yeah. A grocery shop is round 'ere." He nudged the redhead with his elbow to turn left. "So, you miss yer old job?"

"Not really." Ichigo said stiffly. "I told you I hated it."

"Tch. I missed it." Shiro admitted. "Don' anymore, though." The albino fell oddly silent for the rest of the walk to the grocery store.

Ichigo sighed.

**X.x.X**

"There's an offer going on now that if you buy rye bread, you can have another loaf for free!"

Grimmjow focused on his breathing as he calmly shook his head. "That's okay. I just wanna buy my shit. No offers or anything." It wouldn't do to blow up the shop. His debt was already astronomical with Garuda _and_ Ogma. No need to dump the cost of this hellhole on it as well.

"Are you sure?" The peppy cashier chirped, oblivious to the danger signs (those being Grimmjow's left eye twitching and hands clenching into fists). "It's only for today! You can have two other cartons of milk too!" **(2)**

"No. Thank. You." The teal haired demon forced out. Stupid humans. Stupid debt. Stupid Ulquiorra. Stupid Urahara! "Can I just pay now?"

"You don't want our box of Terry's chocolate with the rest of your purchases?" Oh, he was gonna rip that girl's fucking head o-

"Yo! Kitty! Whatcha doin'?"

God hated him.

Grimmjow growled a little as the cashier continued to babble on about some offer, narrowing cerulean eyes at his co-worker. "Oh, hey queeny. Getting some lube?" He eyed the redhead beside his co-worker, taking in the slight scowl and kohl-lined eyes. How uncanny, that was exactly how Shiro was when he first joined.

"Nah. No lube tonight." Shiro laughed the implicated insult off. "Oh, right, an' meet our new fellow employee, Kitty. This is-"

"Ichigo." Grimmjow yawned. "Yeah, the crazed loon was dancing with joy when tellin' me and Ulquiorra." He scrutinised the dark bruise marring his co-worker's cheek. "Say, what's with the bruise on your cheek, snow white? Run into a door or something?"

Shiro coughed. "Uh…yeah, yeah I did!"

"Liar." Ichigo growled, crossing his arms across his chest. "I punched you."

Grimmjow laughed at that. "You did? Huh. I like ya already, berry-chan!"

Ichigo deadpanned. "Berry-chan…?"

"Yep!" Grimmjow turned back to the cashier and cut through her babble. "Look, I ain't interested in any offers or deals or whatever. Can I just pay for my shit already?"

"Crackhead makin' ya do grocery shoppin' again?" Shiro asked.

"Nah. Aizen's 'delivery order'." Grimmjow scowled at the loaf of rye bread on the counter before him. "Ulquiorra's getting his 'bat wings' and 'eye of newt' shit."

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "I'm getting some food." He then stalked off to the instant food aisle, leaving his new co-workers behind.

"That will be 150¥ please!" The peppy cashier trilled, dumping Grimmjow's purchases into a plastic bag. The teal haired demon grumbled a little and forked over the correct amount, thankful that he was getting out of the damned hellhole. **(3)**

"Well have fun with berry-chan, queeny." Grimmjow snorted, roughly pushing past the albino. "I'll hopefully won't see you tomorrow."

"Same back at ya, furball!" Shiro shouted at the teal haired demon's retreating back. He scoffed when Grimmjow flipped him off before exiting out of the automatic doors. "Tch. Lil' shithead."

"Hey, you finished with your macho standoff yet?" Ichigo called from the aisle he was in. "If so get your ass here! I dunno what you want."

"Yeah, yeah, kid." Shiro grumbled. Man, Ichigo was cute but really demanding. Ah well, his feistiness added to his charm.

**X.x.X**

Ulquiorra wiped his slightly slimy hands on his white pants with a faint grimace. Catching frogs were annoying, but spooning newt eyes from their sockets was an abhorrent job. His fingers were all oily and malodorous now.

He sighed silently, mentally checking that he had everything. The frog legs…the Faerie and bat wings (those flying rodents were irritating since his sharp hearing was getting abused even more by their echo screaming), and the newt eyes. That was it.

He decided to check the list anyway. Placing the small plastic container filled with the animal's body parts, the green eyed demon rummaged about in his pocket before pulling out a slip of paper.

Yes…yes…yes…that was everything. He frowned. Wait…

Flipping it over, his green eyes narrowed at the two words scrawled hastily and almost illegibly.

_Sephirothic Fruit_

The fruit from the sacred Sephiroth tree, where the twelve Candelabra are alight on its branches, also located on the very fringes of the eighth ring of Hell and almost in the ninth ring itself. It would be troublesome if he went there himself to get it. He would succeed, of course, but it would be easier if he had his partner to partake in this little…expedition.

Sighing to himself once more, Ulquiorra picked up the plastic container and turned away from the scummy pond. Time to pick up that loudmouthed demon.

**X.x.X**

When Ichigo awoke the next morning, it took a few seconds for him to realise where he was.

Sitting up in the comfortable bed, bed sheet pooling in his lap, Ichigo rubbed his ochre eyes sleepily. "So…it wasn't some weird dream then?" He flopped back down on the comfy mattress, sighing softly to himself. "Hm. Good."

He probably would've drifted back to sleep if the door to his bedroom didn't unexpectedly slam open followed by a cheerful call of, "Good mornin', kid!"

Recognising the voice immediately and the degrading nickname, Ichigo threw his pillow at the intruder and felt a rush of vindictive satisfaction at the squawk of surprise accompanying the _'fwumph'_ as the pillow hit its target. "Don't call me kid, idiot." He mumbled drowsily, rolling over and burrowing under his covers.

Shiro shook his head, the pillow landing at his feet. "Now, now, k- uh, Ichi! We've gotta go t' work today! Remember? I'm gonna teach ya how t' use Tensa Zangetsu!"

"G'way." Ichigo grumbled irritably from beneath his quilt. "Sleep."

"Oh boy." Shiro's lips curled up in a mischievous lopsided grin. "If ya don' get up now, Ichi-_chaaan_, I'll hafta go over there an' make ya get up!"

Ichigo grumbled incoherently and flipped him off.

"I warned ya!" Shiro cackled. He immediately bounded over to the half asleep redhead and promptly leapt onto the bed beside the younger male, prodding Ichigo's shoulder. "Time t' get uuuuuup!"

Ichigo swatted feebly at the offending appendage and growled.

Seeing that poking and shouting wasn't working, Shiro decided to do something a little more daring (and suicidal).

Grin widening, Shiro paused his prodding and leaned over the redhead, his breaths tickling the younger male's ear. "Ichigooooo." He crooned. "I guess I'll take this chance t' do dirty, _kinky_ things t' ya."

The reaction was instantaneous.

Ichigo bolted from the bed with a mortified squawk of _"PERVERT!"_ and threw his remaining pillow squarely at Shiro's face.

Shiro erupted into deranged peals of laughter, clutching at his stomach as he cackled insanely. "G-God! Y-yer fa-face!" Anything else became lost in the fresh wave of cackles.

Ichigo snarled angrily, cheeks burning. "I guess that you're the same as the perverts in those clubs!"

Shiro managed to get his laughter under control and flapped a hand flippantly. "Oh chill out, kid. It was jus' a joke. No harm done." Ichigo was still scowling so he slid from the bed and raised his hands in a placating manner. "Oh fine then, sorry. Happy now?"

Ichigo glowered, arms crossed protectively across his chest. "Go away. I'll get changed."

Shiro sighed. "It was jus' a joke, geeze. Not like I was gonna rape ya or anythin'…" But he marched dutifully from the room anyway. "Man, so uptight. Can't even take a fuckin' joke."

Ichigo sagged when Shiro left the room, running a tanned hand through dishevelled hair. "Stupid idiot." He muttered, to himself or the absent albino, he didn't know. **(4)**

"Note to self, get a lock for the door."

**666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666**

**(1) **Ichigo is one of the shortest guys in the anime (aside from Histugaya and Ishida and a few others). Everyone else is taller than him. It makes me laugh :D Also, when the fight between Ichi and Shiro was going on in the anime, and Ichigo had Zangetsu stabbed through his gut, Shiro looked taller than Ichi. Just thought I'd share that with you all.

**(2) **Isn't it annoying when you just want to pay for your shit, and the cashier always starts spouting off all these offers? Happens to me _every time_. ("Don't you want to get a box of celebrations for only a pound?" "For the love of God…NO!")

**(3) **I don't know the exchange rate for yen to pounds, all I know is that 250'000¥ is like, 15'000 dollars. And I don't know the exchange rate from a dollar to a pound either soo…yeah, if it's too expensive or whatever, just ignore it…please?

**(4) **Remember, Ichi was a prostitute so he's gonna be a little jumpy around people, thinking they're all trying to get into his pants. I know Shiro was too, (and Ichi's paranoia isn't totally unfounded) but he said it himself that he enjoyed it so…bleh. Plot hooooole!

**A/N:** 10 pages…my back hurts. Chair still needs a backrest (grumbles).

Ulquiorra and Grimmjow finally have more then one scene! Though Ichi hasn't met Ulquiorra yet. Oh well.

Yoruichi, Tessai, Jinta and Ururu meet Ichi in the next chappie when Shiro starts teaching him how to use his Zanpaktou! Wooooo! And Ulquiorra and Grimmjow attempt to get the Sephirothic fruit for Aizen! See how it'll go next chappie!

When's the IchiHichi gonna start? When Ichi gets to know Shiro better. Remember, they've only known each other for a two days, and Ichi is a paranoid lil' ex-prostitute. Shiro's gonna hafta work his charm. ;)

If you feel like I've missed something out, I'm doing a Q&A in the author notes next chappie, so post up your questions up (though I won't answer any that'll ruin the plot :D)

Hope y'all enjoyed!


	4. Foxtrot

**Title: **Urahara's Delivery Service!

**Pairing: **IchiHichi, _possible_ GrimmUlqui

**Rating: **T (will definitely rise later on)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own BLEACH™, or the monsters mentioned here, they're from ancient legends and myths, but I do own the plot!

**Summary: **AU. HichiIchi. There was an albino, ex-prostitute, two demons and a crazy shopkeeper. Oh…and let's not forget the hoard of Hollows and carnivorous trees.

**Chapter Summary: **Ulquiorra and Grimmjow go to get the Sephirothic fruit, located in the eighth ring of the Underworld and Urahara is up to something.

**Q&A:**

**Q1: ****Did Ichigo get raped?**

A1: Errr, it's gonna be part of an omake that I'm gonna slot in between chapters (every fifth one I'm thinking), but yes, when he first started out whoring he was raped. But that doesn't mean he's gonna be all broken and angsty, Ichi's a strong guy so he's just suspicious round people (not that I blame him).

**Q2: ****Is Aizen going to be playing god and trying to take over the world(s) at any point in this story?**

A2: Nope. Aizen is going to be the guy that helps both the bad and good guys. He strikes me as the person who'll egg both sides on, sit back, and laugh as they try to blow each other up. More will be explained about Aizen's role later on (possibly in an Omake that I'm planning to do every five chapters) and who the main bad guy is. :D You'll be surprised.

**Q3: ****Are we gonna learn about Shiro's Zanpaktou?**

A3: It's a vital secret at the moment, since it plays a semi-important role later on in the plot. But don't worry, you'll find out about it soon.

**Reviews:**

**Drop of the Sweetest Poison:** I was thinking of something original to write for this and I'm glad I succeeded!

**Twiliblossom: **Yeah, Shiro's Zanpaktou was brought up by another reader in the last review reply. At the moment, it's a secret, mainly because I'm having some bugs to work out with the plot relating to it since it plays a minor role, until then, no one knows how it looks like :D Ichigo's training session is going to be a little…er… idiosyncratic to say the least. ¬.¬ Urahara is going to have fun. And as for Aizen :D I love him too much to turn him into the bad guy and get killed.

**myloveiskyo: **Thanks! I'm already feeling better, meaning more updates (hopefully).

**Invader-Nehima: **Sephy is GOD (Drools) I'm trying to resist the temptation of dumping him in here as a cameo appearance…but I don't have a role for him TT.TT perhaps another time. Sneaking on the computer is a pain, 'cause I'm extremely paranoid thinking my parents are gonna swoop down on me at any given minute.

**Kyra: Windwood: **There's gonna be planty more macho bickering between Shiro and Grimmy later on :D

**Breathing in Shadows: **Thank you! Sorry for the slow update, but I try as hard as I can!

**Nakimochiku: **Thankies, Naki-sama! Hm, that means Grimmy paid…barely one pound XD Oh well, at least the prices later on will be accurate. I noticed Ichi's shortness near the end of the Soul Society Arc, when Zangetsu was taller, Kenpachi was taller, Ganju was taller, Chad was taller, Hichi was taller (it's true!), Byakuya was taller, _everyone_ was taller then poor Ichi! X3 Pretty adorable now that I think about it.

**fendstrat.chick: **Shiro prob'ly wanted to do more then that :3

**Meng-4-2: **I'm too lazy to PM everyone so I answer their reviews in the author notes (which make them unbearably long XD). I like it when authors answer to my reviews, so I though everyone else would like their reviews answered too as well. After all, I'm not writing this out for myself, but for all the people who read it, so I gotta make them happy, ne? :) I'm glad you appreciate the effort!

**Xx Trinity xX: **Here's to hoping that you'll like this one too!

**Astrolita Karastase: **I was gonna make Ulqui neutral to Ichi like he's neutral to Shiro (the two get along fine). And Grimmy is definitely gonna be er…not 'chummy' with Ichi, but a lot nicer to him then Shiro. Jealousy…hmm…that could be a pretty good chapter actually…thanks for the plot bunny!

**Metamorcy: **Pixie sticks make me high. But that's probably because I accidentally inhale it XP I just love writing the interaction between Grimmjow and Shiro since it's a respectful hate relationship. They'll work together but it doesn't mean they'll make it easy for each other (in other words, they make it ten times more complicated then it should be, a simple delivery that would take five minutes would suddenly take two hours XD). And Aizen has a semi-important role later on, but not until past chapter fifteen at least. I was gonna stick pixie dust but I thought pixie sticks would be funnier instead XD Glad you like it!

**SendMoreParamedics: **Ichigo is gonna be playing hard to get quite a lot (much to Shiro's despair). I've got amusing plans for him, ufufuffufufuuu!

**Htaed is Death backwards: **I've found the site now! It's…wait, fanfiction won't let you post up html addresses will they? Uh, take out the spaces and turn the (dot) into .

h t t p : / / w w w (dot)

**hollow kenpachi 13 : **Glad you liked the last chapter, I personally thought it dragged too much. Hopefully this one is much better!

**Riceball 101: **Ichi is a midget. It's funny and adorable to think about. Hahaha! Glad you liked the chapter!

**A/N: **You know, I'm starting to think this would be a pretty good RPG. Going into different 'Dungeons', battling numerous monsters as you make deliveries...I can just imagine there being a ranking system that allows you to gain more Deliveries (missions), with each successful one…

Would anyone play a game like that? I would (but my opinion in slightly biased).

Anyway, that aside, I hope the Q&A has cleared up some things for my wonderful readers!

I'm not sure I have Yoruichi in character for this since, well, I haven't written her that much . Tell me if she's OOC please so I can fix it for later chappies.

Well, enough of my blabbering, get ready for the fourth instalment!

(P.S. This should've been out months ago! Sorry, but damn, my notes had vanished!)

**666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666**

"_Ahhh…the perfect disguise. No one will ever suspect Mandy! …Except for Mandy of course."_

_-- Junior, Grim Adventures_

**6666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666**

**URAHARA'S DELIVERY SERVICE 004: FOXTROT**

"Kisuke!"

Urahara made a small snorting noise, head snapping up and looking round the shop for the owner of the male's voice. After a few confused minutes, his mercurial grey eyes snagged on a black cat sitting calmly before him, golden eyes narrowed in amusement. "Oh! Yoruichi! How was Africa?"

Yoruichi smirked, or, as well as a cat can smirk. "You were sleeping."

"Ah…" Looking up past the brim of his green striped hat to the ceiling in an innocent look, Urahara smiled mysteriously. "I was thinking."

Yoruichi deadpanned. "Right. Well, to answer your question, Africa was fine. The Nundu breath has been delivered safely and we have secured another subscription."

"Good!" All accusations of him sleeping in the middle of his shop forgotten, the blond man snapped his fan open in a buoyant fashion. "That's my favourite Cait Sidhe!" **(1)**

Yoruichi snorted. "I passed Ulquiorra on the way here. We have a new member?"

"Yep. He's so _cute_ too, Masshiro-chan is training him," The blond ex-Shinigami tapped the wooden floor with his cane. "Down in my secret training facility."

The black cat yawned, tail flicking side to side. "So Shiro-kun finally has a partner, eh?" Trailing round Urahara's sitting form, Yoruichi continued. "_Kurosaki_ Ichigo, was it?"

Urahara's smile turned into a full blown grin. "Why yes, uncanny isn't it?" Pushing himself into standing position, the blond man tapped the wooden floor once more, snapping his fan shut and tucking it into his green haori. "To find an ordinary _human_ with the name _Kurosaki_?"

Yoruichi eyed the grinning ex-Shinigami with faint amusement. "Do I want to know what you're planning?"

"Planning?" Urahara's grin turned into a devilishly innocent one. "Why, Yoruichi, I don't believe I'm planning _anything_ at all!"

**X.x.X**

The surrounding oblivion groaned echoingly, the only sources of light was the twelve candelabra embedded in the tree's withered bark, gold tarnished by age and the constant spray of acidic blood oozing from the tree's cracked bark. The demonic shrine was eerily silent, the hollow walls held up by insubstantial whispers and fragile shell of perfect balanced energy.

"This place is as depressing as usual." Grimmjow remarked, boots scuffing the dusty flagstones and echoing in the empty shrine. The teal haired demon looked up from the foot of the tree, grimacing when droplets of blood spattered on his cheek. Swiping the burning liquid away, his skin already healing the burns, Grimmjow turned to his silent companion. "I don't see any Sephirothic Fruit."

Ulquiorra frowned, verdant eyes snapping to each crackling candelabra. "It is unknown where the Sephirothic Fruit is found on the tree…" The demon murmured, stepping beside his partner. "Perhaps there is something needed to be done."

Grimmjow snorted, looking over the tree once more. "What? Do we need to offer a virgin sacrifice? Pray? Do a fuckin' rain dance?" The demon kicked the bark harshly, the wood splintering and depositing a pool of blood at their feet. Grimmjow hummed thoughtfully. "Crack it open?"

"Must everything you do revolve around mindless destruction, Grimmjow?" Ulquiorra asked with faint distaste. At the teal haired demon's answering scoff, Ulquiorra returned to searching for the Sephirothic Fruit. "The candelabra are all lit."

"And?" Grimmjow grumbled, feeling a little disappointed. Where was the fabled guardian of this place?

"All of the candelabra are never to be lit at the same time."

There was a brief silence, then in unison, the two demons pivoted on their heel and looked up.

There was a thunderous roar, the candelabras' flames flickering dangerously as the hollowed walls shattered, the thin shards skittering across the dusty flagstones. The shadowed figure, camouflaged against the pitch black ceiling unfurled from its position, twisting in midair and landing heavily before the two demons.

Grimmjow whistled. "Classy."

"**PATHETIC DEMON TRAITORS!"** The monster roared, its golden, skeletal head raising up to pin the two unconcerned demons with its hellish white gaze. **"YOU DARE ENTER THE SANCTUARY OF OBLIVION!?" **Bone wings snapped out, thin membrane tearing at the sudden motion, and flapped once, an airless wind swirling the dust restlessly. **"WHAT IS YOUR LAST REQUEST!?"**

"Me?" Grimmjow's lips curled up in a maniacal grin, feeling his blood stir at the challenge. "Yeah, I've got one. Don't you have an indoor voice? You're making me deaf here."

"Hmph." Ulquiorra turned away from the golden skeletal monster, its large form easily overshadowing them, most of his interest on the Sephiroth tree. "I do not need to waste my time with trash like you."

The guardian howled in rage, tearing at the flagstones with wicked, curved claws. **"INSOLENCE! I, HAMON, GUARDIAN OF OBLIVION, WILL DEVOUR YOU WHOLE!" **Steam trailed from the holes acting as nostrils, white hellish orbs narrowing. **"PREPARE YOURSELVES, DEMONS, FOR YOU SHALL REJOIN WITH NOTHINGNESS ONCE MORE!"**

Grimmjow growled. "Don't you ever shut up!? C'mon! Stop your yammering and fight already!"

Ulquiorra turned round once more. "We need to defeat this trash for the fruit to appear before us." The green eyed demon glanced at the furiously hissing guardian. "Let us do it quickly before oblivion decides to reform the walls. It may seal up the portal."

"Heheh…" Grimmjow cracked his knuckles, cyan eyes glittering madly. "Quickly, eh? Just give me two minutes."

Hamon roared and lunged.

**X.x.X**

"Break!"

Ichigo immediately sagged, collapsing face first on the dusty ground with a breathless 'thank you' on his lips. He felt Tensa Zangetsu's coarse hilt rub uncomfortably at his fingers, the pads not quite used to the roughness yet. "I'm…t-t…tired…" He panted, feeling his clothes – a quick throw on of a white t-shirt and jogging trousers – clinging to his flushed skin with sweat.

Shiro crouched before the fatigued redhead, pouring half of the sports bottle's water on the twenty year old's head. He grinned as Ichigo spluttered indignantly and flailed, snatching the bottle from his pale hand and chugging the remaining water down greedily. "Thirsty too!" The albino exclaimed, leaning back on his heel as the redhead dropped the empty bottle with a sigh. "Y'know…you've got pretty good endurance! Two an' a half of constant trainin'…an' without rest…I'm impressed, kid."

"If you're so impressed…" Ichigo growled hoarsely, pulling Tensa Zangetsu across his lap. "Why'd you keep calling me 'kid'?"

"'Cause ya still a kid." Shiro laughed. "I said ya had 'lot of endurance. Yer technique sucks an' is better suited t' a butcher…but nothin' a few weeks of trainin' won' accomplish."

Ichigo, whose face had twisted into a sour grimace at the butcher comment, eyed the albino warily. "You sound too happy."

"'Ey!" Shiro pushed himself to his feet, holding out a hand for the twenty year old. "I hafta put up wit' Gayjaw every day (nearly), I need _some_ outlet, eh?" He grunted when Ichigo slapped his hand sharply before taking it, a pale eyebrow arching. "An' it's better me then th' crackhead."

Ichigo brushed his hand against his dirtied t-shirt. "What's wrong with Urahara-san?"

Shiro unconsciously shuddered.

"_GAAAAH!! YA CRAZY HOMO!! WHAT TH' HELL ARE YA DOIN'!?"_

"_Run faster, Masshiro-chaaaan! I'm catching uuuup!" Swing!_

"_KEEP THA' SWORD AWAY FROM ME!!"_

The albino shook his head to clear those memories from his mind and waved a hand. "E's a lot more…uh, _strict_."

Ichigo couldn't quite see it.

**X.x.X**

"**HELL CRUSH!"**

Grimmjow grunted at the shockwave from the energy blast, raising his arms up to shield his eyes from the minute shards of glass and sand as Hamon surged through the scattering debris and swiped at the distracted demon with clawed hands. With a soft, irritated hiss, Grimmjow easily ducked under the attack and rolled backwards, not stupid enough to try and punch through the guardian's plated bones. It wouldn't do anything. "Where's this bitch's weak point, dammit!?"

"I thought you said two minutes, Grimmjow." Ulquiorra called from his place hovering ten feet from the chaos happening on the floor. If the teal haired demon didn't know any better, he'd have thought that his partner was mocking him. "It has been six."

"Shut up, I'm working! I thought that gem in his chest was a weak point." Turned out it was an ornament. A huge fucking skeleton guardian with no detectable weak point, where's the fun in that? Wait... "Ah well, least it's a challenge at last!" Grimmjow avoided another attack, arching his fist back and smashing it at Hamon's left clavicle. A hairline crack appeared and Grimmjow felt a surge of victory…until Hamon pulled a fast one on him.

He wasn't quite sure what happened, but one minute the guardian was screaming then Grimmjow was flat on his back, ears ringing and the pitch black ceiling dipping and swirling sickeningly as rubble scattered around him. He heard a muted noise, a shriek of high pitched slash, as he pushed himself up, one hand rubbing gingerly at his fragmented jaw mask. "The Hell?" He groaned, blinking cyan eyes at the carnage before him.

Ulquiorra had finally decided to join in; batting away another 'Hell Crush' with a hand, nimbly weaving around the enraged Hamon's attacks…a Hamon whose gold plated bones were…_melting_?

There was a crevice leading from the centre of the room to Grimmjow's position, bubbling slag hissing at the edges. The teal haired demon grunted as he jumped to his feet, shaking his head clear of that irritating ringing noise and checking that everything was intact. Once assured, Grimmjow's attention was drawn once more to Hamon and Ulquiorra's battle, a scowl tugging at his mouth.

It was supposed to be _his_ battle…

Hamon shrieked again, its right arm completely falling off as the arm's joint popped out of its socket, the golden appendage liquefying into a bubbling puddle of goo. Ulquiorra capitalized on the guardian's distraction and aimed a _Cero_ at the golden skull, the energy beam smashing into its forehead and shattering the back of Hamon's skull.

Grimmjow growled, _sonido_ing beside his companion as the rest of Hamon's body melted mysteriously. "Hey! This was my fight!" The teal haired demon snarled, pointing angrily at the puddle that once was his opponent. "Who said you could butt in!?"

"You got caught in its _Omnipotence_, Grimmjow." Ulquiorra murmured, verdant eyes staring emotionlessly at his irate partner. "And I believed that we wasted enough time with that trash long enough."

Grimmjow was not placated and jabbed his finger once more in the direction of the puddle. "How the Hell did he melt!?"

"I am not sure." Ulquiorra admitted. "But it is not important right now, look." The green eyed demon jerked his head sideways, the hollow walls already reforming. "Oblivion is restoring its shrine. We must collect the fruit before the portal closes."

Grimmjow huffed, turning back to the tree with a low growl. "Tch. Perfectly good challenge wasted." He raked over the tree, brows furrowing when the candelabras' flames all died out, one by one. "What's happening _now_!?"

Ulquiorra's eyes narrowed when the ground rumbled, the pitch black ceiling bleaching white as the centre of the tree's trunk opened up. "The Sephirothic Fruit."

666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666

**A/N: **There was supposed to be more in this chappie, but I've lost most of my shit regarding this, so I was all, daaaaamn, what was I supposed to write!? So, therefore, it'll have to be continued next time as I kept it on Hiatus for too long. Sorry for the delay.

Next chappie is an Omake, as I've decided to make one every five chappies. That'll come out quicker and hopefully I'll have found my notes by then…

Once again, I am so sorry for the delay!


End file.
